Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Still trying to figure it out....

So I have found that I try to be everything to everyone lately. I just say yes, nod my head and smile. How pathetic. Then I walk away with resentment towards the other person. See, I'm afraid of hurting other peoples feelings. Even though I have been taught that I do not control others feelings, and they not mine. But still, then the thought runs through my head... 'What are they thinking of me? do they think I'm selfish/childish/jealous?' I'm always thinking others are judging me, yet most of the time i find I'm right. I'm really good at getting vibes off people, and tend to know when someone is feeling a certain way towards me. Or so at least that's what I think. I have been walked all over, taken for granted and questioned. I have a VERY hard time saying no to people, and everyone is always saying "its OK to say no!" If they only knew how hard it is for me. I feel like explaining it, but then I have to tell them about my "secret". I have done REALLY good at hiding my BPD from people around me. I break down when no one can see, and smile, act as though I'm that average normal person when they can. Its not so hard as it is depressing. I feel normal for those moments, the moments when I am completely fake. Funny how that works! It's a loosing battle.
I just want to scream it out.
And expect everyone to say, 'oh honey, its OK, we understand.' But I know that will never happen. Its too much to ask. Borderline personality disorder is complicated to those who do not know about it. Heck, sometimes it confuses me too. I wonder sometimes what it would be like to have a "normal" personality. How much easier would life be? I wouldn't have to find something to blame my frivolous spending on. I wouldn't hold a grudge on someone, just because I have nothing to hold a grudge for. I wouldn't have such a short temper. My mom would love me again. My life would just make sense.
I have spent so much time covering my tracks, that I cant remember when the last time was that I wasn't stressed out. I will say I have come a long way, in my fake life. Or so that's what everyone says around me. It's kind of funny, I wonder why no one ever lets me in, and yet, It's I who won't allow them in. I find it easier to keep a distance. Even with my husband. Yeah, that's a whole different story for another time. I don't even think my church leaders would understand. I certainly didn't tell Jeffs family, and I'm super close with them, so why would I tell the church leader? I just worry that people would think I'm looking for sympathy, well maybe I would be. It's not like I ever get it. would it be a bad thing to want? Or is it Empathy I'm looking for? I don't know the diff in them... ah, just googled it. http://http// Guess its a bit of both. I don't think anyone will truly understand. So there is my ranting for today. I hope to keep up my blog more. If you follow me, I will gldly follow you!

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Feel like giving up.

Its one of those days again.

Do you ever wish you could just make everyone understand what was wrong with you, like it would make everything easier? Thats how i feel today. Though I know that if they knew, it would make no difference. Its been a hard day. Wondering why I have to be this way. Why me. Why anyone. What quality of life do I have? I a lie day after day. Pretending to be something Im not. Going home to my world, my reality. People always telling me what a great life I have, I have everything. A house, a husband, Two beautiful kids. The american dream. If only they knew what went on inside. Its torture.

Obsessive-Compulsive personality disorder

While Obsessive-Compulsive personality disorder (OCDP) sounds similar in name to obsessive-compulsive anxiety disorder, the two are markedly different disorders. People with obsessive-compulsive personality disorder are overly focused on orderliness and perfection. Their need to do everything "right" often interferes with their productivity. They tend to get caught up in the details and miss the bigger picture. They set unreasonably high standards for themselves and others, and tend to be very critical of others when they do not live up to these high standards. They avoid working in teams, believing others to be too careless or incompetent. They avoid making decisions because they fear making mistakes and are rarely generous with their time or money. They often have difficulty expressing emotion.

Symptoms of Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder:
•Need for perfection and excessive discipline
•Preoccupation with orderliness
•Lack of generosity
•Hyper-focus on details and rules
•Excessive devotion to work

The potential for improvement with treatment is better for obsessive-compulsive personality disorder than for other personality disorders. A combination of medication and therapy tends to yield positive results.


Dependent personality disorder is characterized by a need to be taken care of. People with this disorder tend to cling to people and fear losing them. They may become suicidal when a break-up is imminent. They tend to let others make important decisions for them and often jump from relationship to relationship. Dependents often remain in abusive relationships. Over-sensitivity to disapproval is common. Dependents often feel helpless and depressed.

Symptoms of Dependent Personality Disorder:
•Difficulty making decisions
•Feelings of helplessness when alone
•Suicidal thoughts upon rejection
•Deeply hurt by mild criticism or disapproval
•Unable to meet ordinary demands of life


Avoidant personality disorder is characterized by extreme social anxiety. People with this disorder often feel inadequate, avoid social situations, and seek out jobs with little contact with others. Avoidants are fearful of being rejected and worry about embarassing themselves in front of others. They exaggerate the potential difficulties of new situations to rationalize avoiding them. Often, they will create fantasy worlds to substitute for the real one. Unlike schizoid personality disorder, avoidants yearn for social relations yet feel they are unable to obtain them. They are frequently depressed and have low self-confidence.

Symptoms of Avoidant Personality Disorder:
•Social inhibition; retreating from others in anticipation of rejection
•Preoccupation with being rejected or criticized in social situations
•Fear of embarrassment results in avoidance of new activities
•Poor self-image; feelings of social ineptitude
•Desire for improved social relations
•Appear to others as self-involved and unfriendly
•Creation of elaborate fantasy lives


Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by self-centeredness. Like histrionic disorder, people with this disorder seek attention and praise. They exaggerate their achievements, expecting others to recongize them as being superior. They tend to be choosy about picking friends, since they believe that not just anyone is worthy of being their friend. Narcissists tend to make good first impressions, yet have difficulty maintaining long-lasting relationships. They are generally uninterested in the feelings of others and may take advantage of them.

Symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder
•Requires excessive praise and admiration
•Takes advantage of others
•Grandiose sense of self-importance
•Lack of empathy
•Lying, to self and others
•Obsessed with fantasies of fame, power, or beauty

Narcissism is most often found in men and is often diagnosed with other mental disorders.

Histrionic Personality

People with histrionic personality disorder are constant attention seekers. They need to be the center of attention all the time, often interrupting others in order to dominate the conversation. They use grandiose language to discribe everyday events and seek constant praise. They may dress provacatively or exaggerate illnesses in order to gain attention. Histrionics also tend to exaggerate friendships and relationships, believing that everyone loves them. They are often manipulative.

Symptoms of Histrionic Personality Disorder
•Needs to be the center of attention
•Dresses or acts provocatively
•Rapidly-shifting and shallow emotions
•Exaggerates friendships
•Overly-dramatic, occassionally theatrical speech
•easily influenced; highly suggestible