Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Still trying to figure it out....

So I have found that I try to be everything to everyone lately. I just say yes, nod my head and smile. How pathetic. Then I walk away with resentment towards the other person. See, I'm afraid of hurting other peoples feelings. Even though I have been taught that I do not control others feelings, and they not mine. But still, then the thought runs through my head... 'What are they thinking of me? do they think I'm selfish/childish/jealous?' I'm always thinking others are judging me, yet most of the time i find I'm right. I'm really good at getting vibes off people, and tend to know when someone is feeling a certain way towards me. Or so at least that's what I think. I have been walked all over, taken for granted and questioned. I have a VERY hard time saying no to people, and everyone is always saying "its OK to say no!" If they only knew how hard it is for me. I feel like explaining it, but then I have to tell them about my "secret". I have done REALLY good at hiding my BPD from people around me. I break down when no one can see, and smile, act as though I'm that average normal person when they can. Its not so hard as it is depressing. I feel normal for those moments, the moments when I am completely fake. Funny how that works! It's a loosing battle.
I just want to scream it out.
And expect everyone to say, 'oh honey, its OK, we understand.' But I know that will never happen. Its too much to ask. Borderline personality disorder is complicated to those who do not know about it. Heck, sometimes it confuses me too. I wonder sometimes what it would be like to have a "normal" personality. How much easier would life be? I wouldn't have to find something to blame my frivolous spending on. I wouldn't hold a grudge on someone, just because I have nothing to hold a grudge for. I wouldn't have such a short temper. My mom would love me again. My life would just make sense.
I have spent so much time covering my tracks, that I cant remember when the last time was that I wasn't stressed out. I will say I have come a long way, in my fake life. Or so that's what everyone says around me. It's kind of funny, I wonder why no one ever lets me in, and yet, It's I who won't allow them in. I find it easier to keep a distance. Even with my husband. Yeah, that's a whole different story for another time. I don't even think my church leaders would understand. I certainly didn't tell Jeffs family, and I'm super close with them, so why would I tell the church leader? I just worry that people would think I'm looking for sympathy, well maybe I would be. It's not like I ever get it. would it be a bad thing to want? Or is it Empathy I'm looking for? I don't know the diff in them... ah, just googled it. http://http// Guess its a bit of both. I don't think anyone will truly understand. So there is my ranting for today. I hope to keep up my blog more. If you follow me, I will gldly follow you!


Post a Comment